TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally known for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be great. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed in the Placing green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the greatest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely from put. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let us have A further put where American Males can dress in robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though preceding negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: offer everyone a collection within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


Based on files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be soft electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower in a very war zone. It's that he really should prevent utilizing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned about the venture, replied, "You recognize, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Great tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head noticeable from space, a element getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following getting the constructing's gold plating mirrored much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It is really not only ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Capabilities


Probably the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests could contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Tactic: "When you Bomb It, They can Appear"


The advertisement campaign, lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is For good."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "in which's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is presently attracting attention from Global buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will likely consist of:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort in which my PTSD can have flip-down services."


Another post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports counsel:



    Trump Tower Damascus

  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Thoughts from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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